


It's Your Soul

by thealwaysandforever



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Trans, Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel Does Not Care About Gender Norms, Castiel in the Bunker, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eventual Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Love, M/M, Protective Castiel, Scared Dean, Secrets, Talking, Trans, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-20 23:36:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3669369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealwaysandforever/pseuds/thealwaysandforever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean falls back onto his bed, a grunt leaving his lips at the warm mattress massaging the soreness of his back. His eyelids flutter before they close completely, the ticking of a clock rhythmic and present in his ear. Dean hums the sounds for what seems like hours.</p><p> </p><p>“Cas? Can you hear me?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Your Soul

**Author's Note:**

> A wonderful prompt which I was very nervous on tackling because I wanted to do it justice. I really hope that I have -crosses fingers- and I'm thinking of doing another version of this. I'll see what happens but anyway,
> 
> I hope that you enjoy! :)

* * *

 

The Bunker is quiet.

The air is thick and heavy and lolling behind Dean with every slow step he takes. The patter of dripping pipes echo into the vents, casting an eerie sound to wander the cold halls. Dean rubs at his eyes to keep himself awake while he makes his way to the kitchen for some coffee. The heavy wool sweater makes him warm and comfortable in contrast to the clinging cool which seems to hover over the Bunker in the middle of the night. He turns and steps up, setting his eyes on the pot of coffee with a brew from earlier. Sam probably left it on by accident because it's hot to the touch so Dean takes a small cup, leaning against the counter as he takes a sip.

There's a dull pounding ache in his head. A persistent pressure that reminds him to tell Castiel the truth. The whole truth and nothing but. Sam knows, that's obvious, but Cas knows nothing at all. Dean runs a hand through his hair and closes his eyes for just a second. One damn second to find a semblance of peace and nothingness. For one moment to have the heaviness of his chest go away and give him privacy to breathe.

It was never meant to go this far. Dean knows Castiel loves him and somehow sees him without blemishes or jagged edges. In Castiel's eyes, Dean is entirely whole. That simple fact alone makes it more difficult when Cas comes around. When his touches are fleeting but there and voice warm with serenity, Dean remembers that he is keeping something from him. A terrifying reality that resurfaces when Sam leaves them alone for a moment to catch up.

How can he even begin?

Dean washes the cup and wraps the wool sweater around him tighter, walking all the way to the entrance of the garage instead of his bedroom. He hurries and sits in the Impala, head and hands against the steering wheel. This car, an embodiment of comfort and contentment. The leather seat protests to Dean's movements when he leans back and opens his legs wider, head now tilted back and hands on his thighs. There's a faint sound of wind howling just beyond the large doors leading out of the garage for several minutes and then it stops.

"You've been restless. More so than usual." Dean jumps slightly, Cas' voice rough beside him.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." Dean nods and scrubs a hand down his face, scratching at the scruff of hair already growing since his last shave.

"I don't think I'll get used to you fluttering in like that," he laughs,"it's okay."

"Do you want to talk?" He still hasn't brought himself to look at Cas yet.

"I'm just tired is all." Cas hums in response.

"You don't have to stick around Cas. I'll be fine."

"I know, but I'd like to stay. If you don't mind?" Dean smiles and looks at Castiel.

"Sure thing." Cas' smile looks damn good on his face, the foreignness of it gone a long while ago.

"How is Sam doing?"

"Same as always. A pain in my ass," they both laugh.

"An endearment I'm sure." Dean scoffs and looks down at his lap, picking the skin on his left finger until it's pink. Castiel notices.

"So what've you been up to this week?"

Castiel's forehead crinkles as he frowns,"Well. I, among others, have been trying to find a solution to all this mess. In heaven I mean." Dean moves his hands on either side, squeezing the edge of the leather seat slightly. Castiel sighs.

"And I know you don't really care since you already know all about it. Dean, what's wrong?"

Dean exhales a breath that releases the tension built up inside of him. Castiel moves closer and places his hand on top of Dean's, but the motion catches Dean of guard so he quickly moves it from underneath him, sucking his breath.

"I-I'm sorry Cas. I didn't mean to-"

"Don't apologize, just tell me what's wrong." Dean shakes his head, covering his face with both hands attempting to put together words that would make some sense. They gather at the tip of his tongue but crumble once he opens his mouth to speak. 

"Dean do you remember when I confided I had wanted to kill myself?" Dean's head snaps toward Cas.

"Why are you-"

"Do you remember?"

"Of course, but it's nothing like that Cas." Dean adds quickly, feeling more guilt for having Castiel worry over him all this time.

"The point is that we talked that night, even if I didn't want to at first."

"It's not that I don't want to talk to you Cas it's just-" Dean sighs heavily. The weight of the truth hanging sluggishly on him with every minute that passes. Castiel's warmth is radiating and easing, something that the angel has always carried with him. Dean feels himself shrinking.

"I just can't Cas. It will change things."

"You _think_ it will but they won't."

"You don't know that Castiel,” he says irritated, “You don't _understand_ -"

"No I don't understand. Dean, not until you tell me. It doesn't have to be now," Cas nudges his chin with his fingertip,"please look at me." Dean breathes in deeply, forcing himself not to tear up as he looks at Cas.

"When you're ready to tell me whatever it is, I'm here. I always have been."

"Yeah, I know." Castiel leans his head against Dean's shoulder, who relaxes almost immediately.

"I should get to bed," Dean rubs at his eyes and yawns. Castiel pats his arm and sits up, following Dean out of the Impala. The atmosphere from inside of the car is somehow different once they’ve stepped out of it. A strange aura that makes Dean want to hide himself away.

"I'll see you tomorrow. I have a couple of meetings to get to, but I'll be here tomorrow." Dean doesn’t say anything, instead focusing on Cas’ patented shoes. When he hears the quiet flutter, his body eases and shoulders slump. 

The walk back to his bedroom seems longer than it is and the thoughts in his head ping-pong all around. Getting louder at every return, the vibrations make Dean dizzy and restless. He rests his hand against the walls when walking by, to feel the coolness beneath his fingertips. The truth sits heavy and gnawing on his tongue.

 

Dean falls back onto his bed, a grunt leaving his lips at the warm mattress massaging the soreness of his back. His eyelids flutter before they close completely, the ticking of a clock rhythmic and present in his ear. Dean hums the sounds for what seems like hours.

“Cas? Can you hear me?”

Dean burrows himself into the sheets.

“I don’t know if you’re listening right now. I hope you are,” his voice trails off to a soft whisper,”I need you to know that I’m sorry. It’s hard-it has been hard for me to keep this from you.”

“You’ve always said that you’ll be here for me. I want to believe you, I really do. Cas I-” Dean stops talking. He wants to pretend he has fallen asleep and his jabbering has all been sleep-induced, but he has already said too much. There's no turning back.

“Castiel. I was born a female,” his eyes shut tighter,”and I knew from very young that something was wrong. Something didn’t _fit_. All I knew was that my body didn't match with how I felt on the inside. Sammy says he knew before I did, the smartass.” Dean’s laugh is cut short by the burning ache in his chest.

“I’m sorry, _so damn sorry_ that I’m not perfect like you see me. If you don’t-” An anguished breath leaves Dean’s mouth, the fear of never seeing Castiel again trapped in his throat.

“I understand if you don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore.”

There is a deafening silence that surrounds him. Even though he’s buried underneath his blanket and his breathing has become heavier, Dean can’t hear anything at all. He cries.

“You’re a fool sometimes Dean.” His body stiffens when the bed dips lower beside him. Cas tugs at the blanket below Dean’s eyes, head tilted to the side.

“The perfection of a person has nothing to do with its vessel. It’s the soul.” Castiel combs the tuft of Dean’s hair with his fingers and smiles.

“Dean Winchester you are and have always been perfect. Your soul is pure.”

Castiel spends the rest of the night with Dean lying his head on his chest, humming under his breath. Dean falls fast asleep, dreaming of soaring the skies with Castiel by his side.

* * *

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I want it to be clear that I felt this would be the way Dean would come out, at first. I am aware that the wording isn't quite right, it felt better to write it this way to match Dean's (emotional) situation at the current time.
> 
> I will gladly do a part 2 for anyone who would like, just let me know at akhilleis.tumblr.com/ask
> 
> I love y'all : )


End file.
